


The tragedy of Carmilla Karnstein

by weedmom



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:24:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14304717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weedmom/pseuds/weedmom
Summary: Attempt at sorting my own emotions through their fictionalization. Angst parade through and through. Set in the present non supernatural world with a promise for an angst-filled future and tragic throwbacks if any of you still be interested after reading this.





	The tragedy of Carmilla Karnstein

Each furious rub mockingly reminds you of the futility of your pathetic attempts to seek some release, _there hasn't been any in the past two years, what makes you think this is going to be any different_. Lying stomach down in bed, face smothered in the pillow, eyes tightly scrunched shut and hand shoved inside pajamas, the only thought irremediably stuck in your head is how wrecked you are, how she has destroyed every other person for you, how even you can’t get anywhere close to finishing yourself off.

You blame her, screaming your frustration into your pillow. Maybe if you could stop her from invading your thoughts for just a couple of seconds. It’s literally just the word her now. You think you have managed to slowly murder memories of the name, the face, the body, the person. It’s just a word you are lusting after, a three letter pronoun, just an idea of a person, this is what you repeat to yourself like a mantra. You deliberately use the word lusting in the monologue going inside your head and the effort makes you feel weak.

This is how you have survived, this is your coping mechanism, subconsciously erecting flimsy veils from words like she and her and lusting to create a safe space in your head, flimsy enough that you occasionally catch glimpses of the blurred outlines of all that you have hidden behind them but helpful enough to let you survive, if not completely move on. That is until this morning at work when words and a name you never expected to hear come out of your boss and your knees buckle under you and you literally crumple on the carpeted floor of your boss’s cabin like a marionette. Words ripping away right from their hinges veils that you had so painstakingly put up, as effortlessly and uncaring as a punishing gale carrying away autumn leaves with itself.

 

_Holy shit, Carmilla! Are you okay?_ , you faintly register Lafontaine’s face in your field of vision severely disrupted with white spots as they help you up the floor and into the chaise lounge in the corner. Too stunned for words, you just follow them with your eyes as they scamper around and get you a bottle of water and start fanning your face with a magazine.

You love your boss, they are easily one of the most awesome people you know and you have repeatedly thanked that imaginary cosmic superforce that you do not believe in for delivering you to them. Like a mysterious raft appearing out of nowhere in the middle of the sea, they recruited you to this publishing firm two years ago while you were drowning and there was no hope of deliverance. They partially rehabilitated you without even being aware of it, since you never spoke about that time of your life that even Danny and Kirsch and Perry are only vaguely aware and only the two of you know how shit went down in its entirety, because you two were the leads of this unimaginably shitty script, you and her.

_What just happened?!,_ you refocus your attention on them speaking to you, do you know this person? Uh, yeah. Kinda, is all you manage to because at this point you don’t know, you don’t know if you know her, does possessing severely repressed memories qualify as knowing. Maybe earlier you did, you used to know her, or at least you think you knew. At this point you are just spiralling into a void so you refocus on Laf.

_Uh, yeah, kinda?_ they imitate and you cringe, _that will win you the understatement of the last three centuries award, given the face you made and that dramatic and screen space deserving crumpling to the floor you pulled back when I took her name, as if you saw a ghost._ You flinch at those last words because of how closely they strike to the truth. Ghost of not-girlfriends past, you chuckle humorlessly at the painfully snide remark your mean and vicious alter ego throws at you, earning a quizzical eyebrow lift from Laf.

_I know her from college, we share some rather unfortunate history,_ you add the word unfortunate as a pre-emptive to stop any questions from Laf that you are not ready to answer at this moment and you see through their eyes the gears in their brain locking into place and some form of realization dawning on their face.

_Oh okay, okay. So do you want me to get someone else on this? It’s a six months long thing and you will have to almost exclusively work with her,_ the concern laced in Laf’s word embarrasses you even further after that decisively pathetic act of falling literally, something Laf would not have ever let you live down in different circumstances. _I can put Theo on top of this, even though he pisses me off_ , Laf’s offer makes you mildly chuckle. You can appreciate Theo’s apathetic sarcasm and you two have a long running rivalry of being the biggest sarcastic jerks at this firm. Laf doesn’t appreciate it much but they have a soft spot for you and let you get away with a lot. Their offer comes back into your attention but all of this seems surreal to you right now, as if you are stuck in a very lucid dream and are just waiting to wake up and go back to reality where there are no ghosts from the past threatening your sanity and health.

_Give me some time to think about this, can I let you know by tomorrow?_ you feel like you have forgotten how to think and you need to relearn, possibly kickstart your brain. _Yeah, definitely. Though this will be a great step for your career but I do not want to push you, considering your reaction,_ you cringe again at the reminder and Laf look apologetic but continue, _and six months is a long time and I do not want to inadvertently subject you to some kind of torture which clearly working with her is going to be for you. Take the day off and think about this, and Carmilla, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?_

You look at the sincerity in their eyes and almost give in to the urge to open the floodgates and revisit that time and cry on their shoulder but you promptly kill that thought because you are a Karnstein and you don’t share your emotions and you definitely don’t cry and the one time that you were a complete fool and let emotions get the better of you, you exposed yourself to her, stood before her talking about your feelings, all vulnerable and presenting your raw naked self for her to strike down with few choice words. Never again, you vowed to yourself and you are going to stick to it. Anger flares inside you at the injustice of this situation. She should not have any power over you, she is nothing to you, nothing! You should not be scared to face a ghost from your past. You are a Karnstein and you vanquish your demons and not run away from them, your passive aggressive alter ego screams at you.

_No, Laf, I know. And I have decided, I will work on this project, I can’t let go of this opportunity, another one wont be coming anytime soon_ , even though this isn’t really the motivation behind you saying yes, it was true that this opportunity wasn’t going to present itself anytime soon again. Your firm was hiring the top business strategy consulting firm in the world to help chart the future long term strategy and even though you had zero respect for consultants and considered them to be money sucking leeches, this opinion partly influenced by the fact that this is what she did for a living though you would never accept that, working on this project would put you in the spotlight with the senior management at your own firm.

Laf just gape at you open mouthed for a while before clearing their throat and speaking _Are you sure? Don’t you want to take some time to think about it? You can let me know by tomorrow, there is really no rush._

_I am sure Laf, this stuffy air in your cabin just addled my brains for a while, no wonder you lose it so often in the meetings, breathing this air all day,_ you try a lame attempt at salvaging your lost pride and Laf don’t seem impressed, quirking a lazy brow at you before continuing _I don’t even want to know what went in your crazy head right now but if you are sure then that is good enough for me, though I should warn you this will be a high visibility project and it will leave a really poor impression if you decide to leave it midway, I will just again ask you to take some time before deciding._

_Thanks, but I am sure, just do me a favour and do not share any specific details about our team that will be working with their team, no names please,_ you knew you could get away with this request.

_Their team arrives on Monday and we meet them in my cabin before we introduce them to the Bosses in the boardroom at 11. Okay now get going and sharpen up, I am trusting you to keep this professional and to not pull any crazy stunts Karnstein_ , Laf dismiss you with a mild warning and you pull out of their cabin with a smirk and an off shoulder _can’t promising anything boss_.

 

The walk to your own cabin is uncharacteristically euphoric. It is all still very surreal, as if you weren’t really in your body for this last one hour. Only after settling in your chair with a steaming cup of coffee does the realization of what you have done hits you like a bat in the face. Whack! _What the fuck! You are going to see her again, you can’t do this. All the embarrassment and the cringe and the heartbreak! All of the pain and the merciless longing once again! What have you subjected yourself to?! You freaking masochist. All this progress will be lost. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! What fucking progress! She is there every fucking night! All day i try so hard to keep her at bay but she seeps in through the night and every morning I have to rid myself of her thoughts! No! This isn’t progress. I am bitter and this is unhealthy._

This is overwhelming. Settling down cross legged on the floor, you start to meditate to empty your mind of all thoughts. This has become instinctive. This is your escape. This is self preservation kicking in. All you have been doing for the past two years. Escaping from memories of a time that feels so unreal as if you imagined it all. How could you have been so wrong? A tiny resilient part of you still believes that you weren’t wrong, the part that forced you to act, that you did not imagine it, that there was really a chance if you had fought, if you had persisted. And maybe this is a chance to find out. You had gotten away from her but could never let her go. After all this time, you are not even sure what you feel for her anymore, having buried it under layers of bitterness, anger, hatred, indifference which is bound to have altered whatever it is that you buried. This is a chance to find out and to possibly truly let her go.

 

Monday is here and you are holed up in Laf’s cabin, positioning yourself near the chaise lounge such that anyone entering will not notice you. Her team is being escorted to Laf’s right now and your heart is thudding harder with every passing moment. You want to see it in her eyes when she sees you first, whatever it maybe, shock, a flash of recognition, a warm familiarity, a cold gaze, you will take anything right now.

The door handle is turning and your heart is thudding at a crescendo that is drowning everything and blurring the sides of your vision. The sight of the back of head of honey blonde hair punches you in the gut and you almost double over. Laf have left their desk to greet her and your feet take you towards them on their own accord.

_And this right here is our team’s lead who will be working with you,_ Laf motion towards you as you stand behind her and she is turning around with a _Hi, I am_

 

_Laura Hollis, nice to see you again creampuff,_ you finish for her as you let yourself take in that face after what feels like an eternity when suddenly

 

_Oh!_ Buckle and fall.

**Author's Note:**

> Opinionated comments are deeply craved. Be merciless I can take it.


End file.
